Why We Don’t Use the Term ‘Surrogate Mother’ at our Surrogacy Agency
Mama. Mommy. Mother. These words are some of the very first we learn. They carry tremendous emotion and weight, especially when you long to become a mom or dad yourself.
Words have the power to define expectations. That’s why we must use these fundamental words so carefully.
You’ll notice throughout our website that we don’t talk about our “Surrogate Mothers” or “Surrogate Moms” even though those are common terms people may use when they begin their journey to parenthood. Instead, we call the woman who is carrying the baby for the Intended Parents a “Gestational Surrogate” or “Gestational Carrier.”
We use these phrases for legal, ethical, and heartfelt reasons. We believe they help give clarity to everyone involved: the Intended Parents, the woman carrying their baby, and even the baby as he or she grows up and learns about how they came into the world.
What is a Surrogate Mother?
When someone talks about having a surrogate mother, they typically mean that another mother-figure took a special interest in them and acted like their own mother in some way. Maybe that individual lost their mom at some point in their life, or maybe they moved away from home as an adult. Either way, they found a “second mom” or “surrogate mom” to stand in as the mom they needed.
A gestational surrogate is someone entirely different.
What is a Gestational Surrogate or Gestational Carrier?
A gestational surrogate is not the mother of the baby she is carrying in any way. She does not share genetic DNA with the child. A gestational surrogate is simply growing and carrying a baby for another couple who is physically unable to do so.
Depending on the relationship that develops between her and the intended parents, she might be involved in the child’s life to some degree. But the gestational surrogate will not be a mother to the child.
We use the terms “Gestational Surrogate” and “Gestational Carrier” out of respect and kindness for all the people involved in the surrogacy relationship. We could never imply to the mom-to-be that she isn’t the mom, or that another woman is the mother for nine months—because it simply isn’t true! From the moment that egg is fertilized, from the moment that embryo implants and begins to grow, the intended mother IS that baby’s mother.
Choosing to say “gestational surrogate” or “gestational carrier” instead of “surrogate mother” matters. We don’t want our words and terms to be yet another reminder to the mom-to-be that her body didn’t work the way she had expected and hoped that it would. The circumstances and decisions leading up to choosing surrogacy can be painful; the last thing that we want to do is infer motherhood onto someone other than the baby’s mother.
Why Do Couples Need a Surrogate Carrier?
Couples who choose a gestational surrogate long to be parents, but they are unable to naturally conceive and birth a child for one of two reasons:
- The couple is heterosexual and there is a medical reason the woman cannot carry a pregnancy to term.
- The couple is homosexual (typically two males) and want to have a baby through surrogacy rather than traditional adoption.
- A transgender female wants to have a baby with her male partner.
Why Do Women Become Gestational Surrogates?
Some women absolutely love being pregnant. They love seeing the changes their body goes through to support and grow new life. They love the feeling of the baby’s first kicks and somersaults. They enjoy knowing that someone is with them and experiencing the world through them in some way. Even though these women are done growing their own families, they miss being pregnant.
The biggest reason women choose to be surrogate carriers is because they understand the ache and longing to be a mom. They want to help another couple fulfill their dream of becoming parents. They find joy in parenting their own children and want another couple to be able to feel that same joy. They find great satisfaction and meaning in being able to be part of bringing a new life into the world!
Gestational carriers are paid, but that is not their motivation in becoming a surrogate. The payment they receive is compensation for their time and risk of carrying a baby, for the medical costs of transferring the embryo and for the pregnancy, for lost wages, and for any other costs she may incur during the pregnancy.
Becoming a Surrogate
The decision to become a surrogate is life changing: for the woman carrying the baby, for her family, and for the intended family of the baby she will grow and carry. It’s not a fast decision, either. The journey to surrogacy usually takes 15-18 months.
After a woman applies to become a surrogate with Hope Surrogacy, she goes through a full vetting process that includes a health and psychological screening. We want to ensure that surrogacy is a good fit for her and her family. We consider their mental health, economic stability, community support, physical health, and so much more.
(Read here to learn more about how surrogacy works.)
Once the surrogate has been accepted into our program, she will wait to be matched with the Intended Parents. The surrogate will begin her pre-embryo transfer medications only after the match meeting has occurred, the legal contract is in place and the embryo is created.
An Intimate Relationship Between Strangers: the Surrogate Carrier and Intended Parent Relationship
Creating the right match between the surrogate and the Intended Parents is incredibly important. Both parties must have clear expectations for the type of relationship they’ll form, both during the pregnancy and after the baby is born. While money is involved and the surrogate is compensated for her time and risk involved, surrogacy is not a transaction or a “uterus for hire.” Surrogacy is an intimate journey with complete strangers who form a relationship that lasts at least 10-15 months, if not longer!
One of the points we use to match intended parents and gestational carriers is how much involvement both parties desire during the pregnancy. We help manage the surrogacy relationship from the beginning to the end, always looking out for the best interests of both parties.
For example, some intended parents want to attend every prenatal appointment with their surrogate carrier. But for others, that may be impossible. The intended parents could live in a different state or different country that makes it impossible to attend appointments in person with their Midwestern gestational carrier. Other intended parents may feel that it’s too emotionally draining to be present for each appointment, especially if they have experienced numerous losses.
After the baby is born, the relationship typically wanes over time, though most gestational carriers definitely appreciate a photo of the baby as he or she grows each year! In our experience, there is typically a flurry of photos and anecdotes shared in the baby’s first few months. But soon, the intended parents become busy being parents, and the surrogate moves forward with her busy life.
In every surrogacy relationship, we want both parties to say, “I can’t imagine working with anyone else!”
For real life stories that will help you see how others have managed this relationship, listen to our podcast. You’ll hear from Intended Parents and Gestational Carriers whom we’ve worked with over the past few years.
Our goal is that these stories bring you hope and help you see the full picture of what it’s like to complete a family through surrogacy. Nothing gives us greater joy than that moment the baby is placed in their loving parents’ arms for the first time!
