How Your Surrogacy Match Meeting Changes Everything

Every milestone along the way to becoming a surrogate feels more exciting than the last one! But the surrogacy Match Meeting is an especially exciting, emotional milestone for everyone involved: the agency, the surrogate, and the intended parents. It’s the day when you and the intended parents meet for the first time.

Explaining the Magic of Surrogacy Matching

Is it magic? Perhaps a little bit. But matching gestational surrogates and intended parents comes down to a lot of experience, data, common sense, and gut feelings.

A reputable surrogacy agency will conduct thorough interviews of everyone involved before even suggesting an in-person meeting. They also consider the following:

1. Your view and the intended parents’ views on abortion.
   As a surrogate, would you be willing to terminate the pregnancy if there was a threat to your life? Would you be willing to terminate the pregnancy if it would affect the long-term quality of life for the IP? (For example, if the baby was found to have genetic disorders such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy-18, or others.)
2. Where you live.
   Would you be willing to travel to the IP’s fertility clinic even if it was out of state?
3. Who you want to work for.
   Do you prefer helping first-time parents? Do you want to give a family a sibling? Does it matter to you if the IPs are heterosexual or homosexual? What about their religion or politics?
4. Expectations about an ongoing relationship.
   Do you want to stay in touch with the IPs and their child after birth? Some IPs want to keep in touch. Others don’t.

It’s vital that you share any and all of your preferences. It’s better to be open and honest about these up front rather than realizing on Match Day that you don’t feel comfortable working for the IPs due to their beliefs. Remember, IPs will also share their preferences for who they are matched with!

It’s ok to have opinions, feelings, and personal conviction or beliefs in this very personal journey you are embarking on.

A good surrogacy agency will keep your priorities in mind when matching you with intended parents.

How Long Does it Take to Get Matched With Intended Parents?

For gestational carriers, being matched happens quickly after all of the screening has taken place. Keep in mind, though, that the screening process could take several months. The screening process includes the application and medical vetting process, the intake interview, and the psychological consultation with both the carrier and their partner. It can also include an additional six months of being off certain prescription medications.

Because there always seems to be more intended parents looking for their gestational carrier than there are women applying to become a surrogate, most surrogates are matched within a month or two after their screening process is complete.

A lot of planning and expertise goes into making a match.

Reputable surrogacy agencies don’t just put people together for the sake of making a match. A lot of thought and care goes into the personalized matching experience.

1. The surrogacy agency considers your application and weighs it against the intended parents who are looking for a gestational carrier.
2. Keeping your priorities in mind, and the priorities of the IPs in mind, the agency matches the profiles.
3. The agency asks your permission to send your profile to the IP.
4. The IPs look at your profile and decide whether they want to pursue you as their carrier.
5. If the IPs say “yes!” then the agency will send you the IPs’ profile to review.
6. If you agree to it, then the agency will schedule an in-person match meeting in a neutral place, such as their office.

Don’t Post Your Profile Online

Notice how step three involves asking your permission to share your profile. This is so important! Throughout the surrogacy process, your privacy must be held in the highest regard.

Do not allow any agency to post your profile online as an available surrogate. It is not a necessary step to improve your chances of being matched. Posting your profile online in this way commoditizes you and your body, as if you are just a uterus waiting to be rented. This could not be further from the truth! Gestational surrogates are caring, generous women who want to help another couple have a baby. Never let anyone make you feel like surrogacy is something less than that!

Got it? Good. Now, let’s take a closer look at step five: the Match Meeting. Notice how it should be in person and in a neutral place.

While Zoom and video meetings have their merits, nothing takes the place of that face-to-face meeting. Do whatever it takes to meet your IPs in person!

The Match Meeting: When, Where, Why, How

WHEN

Did you get a call that you’ve been matched? Clear your calendar! Once the initial match has been made by the surrogacy agency, the Match Meeting happens as soon as possible.

WHERE

The best place for the meeting to happen is at the surrogacy agency’s office. It’s free from distractions and any outside influences or expectations. Ideally, the office would be known to both you and the IPs after having gone through the interview process.

WHY

You’ll be connected in very personal, heartfelt ways for the next 11+ months, and many years to come. You need that facetime with each other to develop trust, to look each other in the eyes, and to commit to the journey with each other. An in-person meeting also gives you the chance to listen to that gut-check that tells you “no, this is not the right fit for me.”

HOW

The surrogacy agency will arrange the meeting as soon as possible.

They should also prepare and guide you through a general agenda during the meeting that should include the following items:

1. Storytime: both you and the IPs tell each other your stories of how you arrived at gestational surrogacy.
2. What do your families think?
3. What kind of support do you and the IPs have?
4. What are your expectations? Talk about expectations pre-embryo transfer, during the pregnancy, after the pregnancy, and in the delivery room.
5. How much and what kind of communication do you want?
6. What can you expect medically and legally?
7. What are your views on abortion? And what are the IPs’ views?
8. How will the financial package work?
9. How will insurance play a role?

Many of these agenda items may feel familiar to you — as they should. It’s important for the agency to talk to both you and the IPs about these topics together. Transparent communication is a must during your surrogacy journey! The agency will also take extensive notes during this discussion. These notes about your preferences or requirements will go into the legal agreement.

Do any of those questions or topics make you feel awkward to talk about with complete strangers? If so, it’s OK. The questions are so personal. But a good agency will be adept at bringing up those tough, potentially awkward questions and helping everyone navigate your answers and responses.

How Long Does It Take

Count on the match meeting to take about 2-3 hours. But keep the rest of your day clear just in case you want to go out for lunch after the meeting to get to know each other better!

How to Dress

Does the way you dress affect the way you’re able to carry a baby? Probably not. But one thing we know for sure — the way you present yourself to the intended parents on the Match Day matters. It is an incredibly important first impression that sets an expectation in their mind for how you’ll care for yourself while caring for their precious, growing baby.

This isn’t the time to wear your comfiest yoga pants and easy-breastfeeding-access t-shirt! Neither is it the time to put on your most alluring date night outfit. Instead, opt for something business casual and comfortable. Choose something that makes it obvious you cared about the meeting and made an effort to be presentable.

How to Act

Be you, confidently.

They chose you for you! Remember that fact when you meet your IPs. Present yourself confidently. Be warm and personable, as much as you can through your nervousness. (Hint: they are just as nervous as you are! They wonder if you’ll like them, too.) IPs want to know if you’re trustworthy, honest, kind and warm. Your demeanor and empathy can help them feel that everything will be OK.

Show confidence by making eye contact, speaking up when you share your story, and asking them questions. (After all, this is an interview for you both!)

After the Match Meeting

Your Match Meeting will go one of two ways: 1) you’ll fall in love (more or less!) and mutually decide to continue with each other, or 2) you won’t quite hit it off and one (or both) will decide that this isn’t the right fit.

An agency that has done its due diligence usually has a very high success rate on Match Day. But don’t let an agency pressure you into accepting a match. It’s very important that you listen to your inner guidance, or your gut, on whether you want to continue to work with the intended parents.

After giving you both some time to think about the match, your agency will reach out to you separately to get your feedback.

If It’s a No:

Be honest with yourself and the agency. An honest “no” is better than a hesitant “yes” that you’ll regret later. The agency will take care of letting the intended parents know and will put your profile back in the pool of potential gestational carriers. While you may have a longer wait to find just the right couple, it will be worth it!

If It’s a Yes:

Great! The agency will notify the IPs and you’ll move on to the next step in the process. You’ll need to get your medical clearance, begin legal work, and begin preparing your body to get pregnant.

What To Do While You Wait for a Match

Sometimes, a match is delayed. A common reason is the 6-month wait while a surrogate stops taking her antidepressant to clear the medication from her system.

While you’re waiting for the match, do this:

1. Be on proper birth control
2. Join and participate in the agency’s private chat groups
3. Listen to podcasts about surrogacy
4. Listen to peoples’ stories about infertility and trying to create a family
5. Be an advocate for those who can’t have children by partnering with organizations like RESOLVE