Sometimes, there can be heartbreak to get to parenthood

Sometimes, there can be heartbreak to get to parenthood.

We love to share successful and heartwarming stories of how surrogacy can change people’s lives. But sometimes, it is important to share stories that may not always work or may involve difficulties along the way.

Having a baby… can be such an easy, straightforward decision and pathway for some, but it can also be fraught with challenges, hurdles, and sometimes outright roadblocks for others.

Surrogacy can be a way to overcome these obstacles.

Surrogacy is a way to try to overcome these obstacles—and very often, it can be—but in the real world, sometimes the hurdles get higher. Taking a moment to acknowledge those hurdles, which honestly are heartbreaking, is the right thing to do.

When IPs (intended parents) begin the process of finding a gestational carrier for their baby, they fill out a lot of paperwork. Like, a lot. Where they live, where they work, what are their hobbies, who are their families, what do they expect from their relationship with a surrogate, what is the plan for the transfer, and maybe the most challenging of all, when would they terminate a pregnancy if all doesn’t go as planned.

Let’s unpack this journey a little bit.

First, the intended parents and the surrogate are carefully matched. This match in and of itself takes time and is not something to venture into casually. Many times, IPs are at a point where they have already endured quite a bit of emotional turmoil surrounding trying to have a baby. Or they actually thought they’d never get to be parents, as might be the case with a same-sex couple or someone who is medically unable to have children. Surrogacy can offer an option to move forward to a “happily ever after.”

Once there has been a match meeting and medical and legal clearance, it is time to transfer the embryo to the “incubator,” the surrogate. (For reference, a surrogate’s egg is never used to create the embryo she would carry.) Science is incredible to have made this possible. A sperm and egg are joined to create an embryo, which is frozen until it is implanted on transfer day. Wowza! It’s breathtaking to think about. Until a transfer fails … meaning an embryo doesn’t continue to grow in its host uterus even though the surrogate has gone through a medically supervised regimen to prepare her for this little guest.

A transfer can be done again … and again … but this is taxing on the IPs as they ride an emotional and financial roller coaster they cannot control. This is in addition to the toll it takes on the surrogate as she physically and emotionally prepares for each transfer.

Then! When the transfer is successful, the countdown to delivery begins. Forty weeks is an eternity if you’ve been waiting years for a baby. Typically, the IPs are involved in the pregnancy, attending checkups in person or virtually and checking in with the surrogate at her comfort level.

Make no mistake, these parents are ALL IN!

They are ticking off the days as the weeks become months, and the dream becomes more and more real. Of course, monitoring this pregnancy covers all the bases for testing, and even though all seems good on the outside, things can go wrong on the inside, and the most challenging, most difficult decisions have to be made—for the sake of the surrogate, for the sake of the baby, without regard to the outcome of how this will crush the hearts of so many.
Or, things are swimming along, and suddenly the surrogate is in labor … too soon, too early. The baby doesn’t make it—another heartbreak.

Hope Surrogacy is just that—Hope.

We give hope to so many people who yearn and wish for a baby of their own, and we are good at what we do.  Our success is not only helping people have babies but supporting them throughout the entire journey, no matter the outcome. We have reached the finish line and get to follow families forever into the future, getting updates on how wonderful these little miracle children are and how happy and lucky they are to be together. But we are also here for the tough times…

Sometimes, there is so much heartbreak in this pathway to parenthood…

These past few months, though, have been a barrage, literally, of one heartbreak after the next. Each of the worst-case scenarios happens over and over. A pregnancy termination. A premature baby born at 23 weeks and six days who lived a precious 4 hours. One failed embryo transfer. A second failed embryo transfer. A third failed embryo transfer. All who were wanted and already loved so very much.
So much to deal with. Not enough tears to cry for all that is lost. All that will never be … this time.

Decisions will be made now for each of these IPs regarding how they will proceed. Will they try again? Can they try again? Is the surrogate willing? Are there more embryos? Can my heart handle this?

We are here…

The earth will continue to turn, and when the sun comes up tomorrow, we at Hope will be there to continue walking this path with you because the flame burns bright and will show us the way.

 

Written by Cindy Joers